Lament of the Unmotivated

From the archives – Fall 2002

I just finished listening to an archived Focus on the Family series on Modesty vs. Aggressiveness. Argh! Can I tell you just how much I want to go to the Institute? It’s so frustrating! I feel like there’s just so much I can learn there… I can further develop my Christian worldview; study the family and what God intended it to be; learn among peers that are seeking the same things I am.

In some ways, I wonder: What’s stopping me? That’s when the facts start to kick in… 1) I’m out of college, but I work full-time. 2) When could I possible take 2 months off from work? 3) Stupid job. Stupid money. Stupid capitalist society! Okay, maybe that’s going a little too far. But I do feel so trapped by my job. I just wish I had thought of going earlier. I could have gone this past summer and not worked at my internship. Granted, I got hired for my job during the summer, so who knows what would have happened there. I suppose that’s kind of a dumb thing to say, huh? Everything that has transpired has obviously been God’s timing. Silly to question the validity of past events now.

Plus, I got to go to the Institute this summer… Just not as a “student,” but more of a “guest.” I guess meeting the students, sitting in on the classes, and talking with the faculty is what stirred the desire within me. I even met with the Director of Admissions that July. I suppose I haven’t been the most proactive about the whole thing. I should have filled out my application from the minute I received it in my hot, little hands and hand delivered it back to Gary Alan Taylor.

The problem is that this is not the only instance in which I have been less than motivated. I want it, but I don’t want it enough. I must not since I haven’t even begun filling out the FFI PDF that stares at me on my desktop. This is the same thing that has happened to me with my Grad school application. It’s taken me for-ev-er to finish it. I still have one more recommendation to garner! But why? It doesn’t make sense. I want to go study theology so badly. So why do I do this to myself?

Maybe it’s this whole “post-graduation” business. Oh, I’d sure love to blame it on post-graduation demotivation syndrome! I’ve had this conversation with God already and I still have yet to understand it all. I ask for His strength, His motivation, His quickening of this mortal body, but I only grow more aware of my lack of motivation. Maybe that’s the point. Ah! Therein lies the rub!

Can anyone relate to what I’m saying here? Maybe it’s an issue of timing. Yeah, yeah. That’ll make me feel better. I’m not motivated right now and so I’ll take forever to turn in my application because I need to turn it in a precisely the perfect time so that the right person will read it when they are in the right mood and decide to let me in… Of course God help me if this process doesn’t get completed before I turn 26 (the cut-off age)!

Yes, I need much prayer. (I only share in the hopes that I can validate the feelings of another going through such angst that happens upon my website.) We’ll see what happens. I’ll start small…perhaps if I can print out the application and fill out my name and address. Yes, that’s step one…

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