I’m in this weird place when it comes to writing. I haven’t felt the same urgency to write as I have in months past, and I’ve wondered at the break in the momentum.
What doesn’t help matters is that I don’t know exactly how much I want to share at present. In light of my current genre of discussing spiritual life and bits of my personal journey, there is no lack of subject matter to write on – my faith and my belief have been stretched farther than I thought it could possibly go. I’ve chronicled my life’s events using pages and pages of many journals this year (four to be exact) and I’m nearly finished with number five. So why all of these words in the pages of journals and not much in the way of online publishing? Good question. Goes back to the “how much do I want to share” bit. How much indeed…
Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. That feels like my theme for 2009. That and “wait.” Heh. I know that familiar Voice who tells me to “wait.” I know I should be teeming with excitement, ready to burst out my skin with joy, and yet… Yet. I shake my head at, “yet.” It reminds me of that familiar tension between the now and the not yet, when life juxtaposes the results of pursuing the perception of control and the blessed freedom and rest that comes with total abandonment to Christ… Oh I feel the sigh building in my chest.
So rambly… Perhaps that’s why I’ve avoided writing. I’m afraid I have no clear message to deliver at present, no point to conclude, no sage advice to offer you who also seek the King. Right now it’s all I can do to stay focused on Him in my own journey. I’m struggling between a burning desire to break free and explode for the sake of His Kingdom and His righteousness and simply wanting to bury my head under the covers wishing it all would go away…
Maybe once I break free, once I let go, once I let the Truth that God speaks take root and grow within…maybe then I’ll have something to write. Until then, I suppose.
I hope that time is soon.
—-
“The Truth”
Relient K
And I’ve collected all these thoughts
And I’m dying just to lose them
And if your words are true or not
I’ll die trying to prove them
But I’ll just have to accept
That my mind is so inept
And the only thing that’s left
For me to do is to trust you
Convince me
Because I really need your help
Oh convince me
Because I can’t see this for myself
I’ll put the emphasis on the evidence
Begging for the proof
Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth
This is so unnerving
I know you’ve never lied to me before
But the things you’re telling me
I can’t yet believe
Yet can’t ignore
But I’ll just have to accept
That my mind is so inept
And the only thing that’s left
For me is to trust you
Put the emphasis on the evidence
Begging for the proof
Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth
It’s a world full of cynics
Who say to stay alive in it
You gotta stick with what you know
But the soul is always aching
For the heart to start taking
A chance by letting go
So let go
Let go
Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth
Attempt to place our lives into your hands
Confide in what you’ll do
Cause sometimes when you’re trying to sleep
And all your doubts and your faith don’t agree its cause
Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth
Sheree Black 