This is a continuation of my part 1 entry…
I started examining my heart-book account before the Lord, and its activity had more challenges than I anticipated. My heart-book’s balance showed several discrepancies and didn’t seem to match the balance God was revealing. I wasn’t quite sure how I was so off. I mean, I hadn’t backslidden or anything. I could still hear God and didn’t stop having quiet times or going to church. Yet, something didn’t settle right. I’d begun to second guess myself, and I was still confused about the things God was and wasn’t doing in my life at this point.
What was happening?
Frankly, I have been puzzled. This year seemed to start out with such a bang, on the heels of months of seeking the Lord’s particular will for my life, amazing travel, seeing God move overseas, “stepping out of the boat” life changes, spiritual insights, and certain relational triumphs. But now I feel left in no man’s land. Like the great momentum just stopped. It’s been nothing short of confusing and, at points, a little embarrassing.*
I don’t recognize this way we’re going, Lord. Is this a shortcut?
No really, are we there yet?
Okay, we’re doing what now? Uh, don’t You know other people are watching me do this?
Wait, this is the way we’re headed?! Are You crazy?
I don’t know if I can keep doing this…
Um… hello? Are You still here? God?
To pull a Chris Brown (of the pastor variety), “Have you been there?”
Can you relate to feeling like your prayers are being heard but not? Do you know what it is to hear God so clearly, so distinctly and then to be left alone? Do you know what it’s like to feel lonely but know in your head that God’s still there? Do you know what it’s like to have truth permeate your head, but not quite stay put in your heart?
When I first started this journey, I wasn’t trying to be some hero of the faith – I simply obeyed what I heard God calling me to do. When I look behind, I’ve felt certain about the big steps I’ve taken. Increasingly, the next steps have gotten less… and less… and less… well, clear. In the growing silence and the wake of mountain top experiences, I’ve started to question and wonder… I wondered why He’s allowed certain things to happen but others not. Why He’s closed door after door and still not shown me the one to walk through? Why He’s pulled so many things out of my hands and out of my life? Why things haven’t gelled, come together by now? Surely God didn’t decide to stop leading me all of a sudden… did He?
I felt like Elijah after his showdown with Ahab and Jezebel.
Or, for those with a pop culture bent, Daffy Duck after trying to match wits with Bugs Bunny…
Ah, “shoot me now.” =(
I was restless. It seemed like months since God’s met me in a way that didn’t feel like a little blip of sunshine in the midst of 364 days of gray. Okay, 363. I tried to reach for other distractions, tried to seek a diversion in TV or the latest, refreshed social feed, tried to busy myself with projects, tried long walks in suburban nature, and yet, none of it satisfied me. I knew it wouldn’t. Though, I found I wasn’t satisfied with hours of Scripture reading, prayer, or even praise either. Yes, those have their time and place, but there was something more particular He was after.
*I have the wonderful writings Oswald Chambers to thank for his September 12 entry on “Going Through Spiritual Confusion” in My Utmost for His Highest. So insightful!