Walking through Walls

Waiting is a hard place to be.

When waiting is necessary.

When it is necessary to stop.

When it is necessary to take stock.

When it is necessary to contend with loss.

When it is necessary to let go.

It is hard to stop. And sit in it. To let it happen and not run away from the feelings.

But the feelings need a voice before making peace.

I think the feelings remind me of how much I am in need, dependent, requiring an Outside Help.

As long as I maintain the illusion of control, I stop my ability to receive…

Nourishment.

Nurturing.

Comfort.

Grace.

New.

My heart hurts. I want it to stop. I want to stop feeling that wall of sadness I seem to crash into unexpectedly.

I want to go around. I want to retreat. I want to climb over it. Go under it.

But to walk through it. A solid wall. When it seems it won’t give way.

But it’s not as impermeable as it seems, grief.

It opens up a new path when I engage it and don’t leave prematurely.

Distractions that mean I don’t grieve fully are not my friend. And I don’t want to get stuck in the emotion.

But the only way out is through. Patiently. Acceptingly. Authentically. Through.

My tears hold power. My feelings a map too.

So wearied. But by faith in the process, I will go through.

First alone. Then with help. It’s not the moment to reach out yet.

That time will come. But for now in this moment, I see another Friend.

The One Who sees, Who knows, Who understands.

Without words.