Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
So after coming down the mountain, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect. I thought life would return to “normal” (whatever “normal” is), having checked off some time in solitude off of the proverbial list. I was ready to return to community with renewed vigor and appreciation, but to my surprise I found Him saying to me, “I’m not through with you yet.”
And He keeps right on saying it.
In fact, He won’t remain silent on that particular issue as much as I’d like Him to be. He continues to confront me with my way of “doing life” and the things, the people I’ve come to rely upon. Ever since, I’ve felt like I’ve been in an arm wrestling match with the Lord – I’m struggling with my desire to return to life as is and His desire to move me forward to life as it could be – and I can’t say that I’m winning.
Frankly, the last few weeks have been incredibly painful, and I hesitate to be too transparent with all that has gone on in this short time. So let it suffice to say that it feels like the Lord is hedging me in on every side, and He won’t let me get out of dealing with this core issue that His Spirit has brought to my attention in the strongest, most confrontational (yet gentle) way than ever before. Sigh. How much easier would it be if He would let me alone? But how much life would I forfeit if I opted for “easy” and did not surrender to His way? And how much would He love me if He did “let me alone”?
There is an album by Tenth Avenue North that has lived in my car stereo the last four months, and now, more than ever, it has become my anthem, my petition, my thanks, my cry of frustration and hope as I learn to let go and entrust myself to the One who knows what is best. Apparently, “normal” is not His best. I want “abundant,” and this is the way to it. He gently says, “Come.” He quietly tells me, “Let go.” He tenderly whispers, “Don’t fight Me.” Sigh. Why must something so simple be so difficult to do?
But I’m turning myself over 100%. I’ve come to the end of me, and I’m learning to relinquish control and stop doing life my way. It’s terribly difficult. More difficult than I realized it would be, but I know it is for my good. I know He is good. And so it continues, the healing, restorative work that is the Lord’s doing, the one He is faithful to complete.
“By Your Side”
Tenth Avenue North